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10 Reasons why dogs don't use computers
Lament of a Stud
Instructions for giving your Pooch Puppy a
pill
What the Dogs Have Taught Me
Mind games dogs play
with humans
Things we can learn
from a dog
Why do dogs sniff each
other?
Quotable
Quotes
And they say
owners look like their pets!
Some
new jokes
How
many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
One
for your Mates - a bit saucy
Lost
puppy
Dog Trivia 
10 REASONS WHY DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
| 10 | Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. |
| 9 | Fetch command not available on all platforms |
| 8 | Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. |
| 7 | Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit. |
| 6 | Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working. |
| 5 | Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging. |
| 4 | Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome. |
| 3 | 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand.. |
| 2 | Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manoeuvre |
| 1 | TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH
P;AzWqS,. (Too Damn Hard To Type with paws!) |
 |
My job is making puppies
And I get two tries at that
They pat me on the head and say "Good Boy",
and that is that.
It's half my job to give 'em
teeth and toplines, fronts and other,
Remember, it's only Half my job...,
they also have a mother.
It's not my job to carry pups
And make 'em grow and nurse 'em
And feed and clean and make 'em strong
That's for "mother" and a person.
It's not my job to wean
And feed the calcium and food
And stack and gait and housebreak,
And make 'em a "showing" brood.
It's not my job to plan the breeding,
And learn what produces well,
To study pedigrees, learn what's there,
And pick out those to sell.
It's not my job to guarantee champs,
The breeder picks the pair,
To mate and whelp and feed and show,
and HOPE that the champ is there.
It's not my job to be on hand
when points are given out.
The breeder, owner, dam and friends
Take credit with a shout.
It's not my job to deliver a winner.
It's only genes I sell.
But let the puppies turn out bad,
And guess who catches HELL.
Instructions for giving your Pooch Puppy a pill.
From somewhere in Cyberspace--author unknown!
1. Pick pup up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of pup's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As pup opens mouth, quickly and sneakily pop pill into mouth. Allow pup to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and pup from behind sofa. Cradle pup in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve pup from under the bed and throw soggy pill away.
4. Get new pill, cradle Pup in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. FORCE jaws open and PUSH pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth SHUT for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from under the stereo and pup from closet. Call spouse in from garden to help.
6. Kneel on floor with pup wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by pup.
Get spouse to hold pup's head firmly with one hand while FORCING wooden ruler INTO mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub pup's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve pup from behind the toilet, get ANOTHER pill. Make note to buy new ruler. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap pup in large towel and get spouse to lie on pup with its head just visible below spouse's armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, FORCE pup's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away and TAKE PILL.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Call fire department to retrieve pup from the drain pipe across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid pup. QUICKLY take last pill.
11. Tie pup's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.
FORCE pup's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of T-bone steak. Hold pup's head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
12. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
13. Telephone and arrange for the vet to make a house call.
What the Dogs Have Taught Me
Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.
I. Mealtime
1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important.Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a
light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is
a bird. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health
A. In the event of a trip to the vet, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
-- Merrill Markoe, "Late Night with David Letterman: The Book"
MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the
house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
The dogs once held a
meeting; they came from near and far.
Some of them came by train, and others by trolley car.
But, before they got inside the hall and allowed to take a look,
They had to take their rear ends off and hang them on a hook.
Then in the hall they went at once...the Mother, son and sire.
But hardly were they seated when some "mongrel" hollered
"FIRE!"
So out the door they ran all in a bunch - they had not time to look..
And each one took a rear-end, at random, from the hook.
They got their rear-ends all mixed up, which made them awful sore.
To think they didn't have the one they'd always had before.
And that's the reason you will see, when you go down the street,
Each dog will stop to swap a smell with every dog they meet.
And that's the reason why a dog will leave a nice fat bone.
To go and smell a rear-end...'cause he hopes to find his own!
Author Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is
probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
(Groucho Marx.)
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac
who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" (Unknown)
"My dog is worried about the economy because a tin of
PAL is almost $2 a can. That's $14.00 in dog money." (Joe
Weinstein)
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you
marry a person with pets." (Nora Ephron)
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." (Ann Landers)
* "In order to keep a true perspective of one's
importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will
ignore him." (Dereke Bruce)
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it." (Unknown)
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your
conversation as the dog does." (Christopher Morley)
And
they say owners look like their pets!
(origin
unknown - emailed)
How many Dogs does it take to change a light bulb
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs.
I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
A very proper man
started going into the chemists every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.
Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the chemist felt he had to say something to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on
earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in
disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex
repulsive!"
So, the chenist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in
little plastic bags."
Dog trivia
A 7-year study, which concluded in the summer of 2000, found that 33 U.S. deaths were caused by rottweilers, pit bulls were responsible for 27 deaths.